


But it should have been us.

by HGLowlife



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drugs, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-05-13
Packaged: 2018-01-24 14:38:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1608737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HGLowlife/pseuds/HGLowlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Suzaku always loved Lelouch.</p><p>AU. Drabble. </p><p>Angsty because I was struck with post R2-depression.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part one: innocence

“Suzaku.”  

I looked up from the papers in front of me, and into the dark eyes of my best friend. He was smiling at me, a cryptic smile that even I, after having known him for the past ten years, couldn’t interpret. “You’re coming to the firework show tonight, right?” he asked me. I shrugged, and scratched the back of my head. “I’m not sure I can make it, I might have to work.” 

“You’re coming to the firework show tonight, right?” he asked me. 

I shrugged, and scratched the back of my head. “I’m not sure I can make it, I might have to work.” 

“Give it a break!” Milly exclaimed from across the room. “You’re always working! Tell your boss you won’t be coming in today.” 

Lelouch walked over to my side, and leaned back on the table right in front of me, supporting his body with his elbow. The smell of his uniform fresh out of the washer reached me, and I was happy to note he was still using the same softener. I always liked its scent.  “You should come with us. That would make me happy.” He sent me another subtle smile, and raised his eyebrows, making his demand even more persuasive. 

My heart was pounding by now, I almost felt as if it would break out of my chest, but with the firmest self-control I could manage to pull off, I waved my hand in front of me. “Alright, alright, I’ll go. Just let me finish this homework first.” 

“Yay! I’ll tell the others!” Milly stormed out of the room before she had finished the sentence, leaving me and Lelouch alone. 

“That’s the president for you, always so energetic,” I mumbled to relieve the tension, but it didn’t really work. Perhaps there wasn’t any tension to begin with, perhaps there was only me and my sweaty palms and increasingly burning cheeks. 

Of course I had learned to control myself when there were people around, but in moments like these, when it was only him and me, I lost all composure. Lelouch was still leaning back on the table in front of me. He was close, too close, and I looked to the side, certain that I was blushing. He was looking at me, but I avoided meeting his eyes now. The temperature seemed so hot all of a sudden, and I wondered if the air-condition might have broke because I found it hard to breathe properly. When I dared to steal a glance towards Lelouch, I saw that he was still observing me. The situation was indeed tormenting me.

I noticed my hands had begun shaking and quickly tried to take them off the table. But Lelouch placed his own hand on top of mine, and leaned in closer to my face. “I have a feeling it will be a great night,” he said. Then he removed his hand, removed his body, removed his presence, but he didn’t remove his grip on my heart. 

 


	2. Part two: mistakes

I knew that as soon as I opened my eyes, I would be forced back to reality. I knew that I would have to face not only my hangover, but the person lying next to me, whom I had had the pleasure of exploring thoroughly last night. I wasn’t sure whether I should be happy I got the opportunity, or sad it was only a one-night stand. I felt him stir next to me, and finally gave in to the new day. 

Lelouch was sitting up in the bed, his chest exposed in the sunlight coming in through the windows. His dark hair was a mess, pointing in every direction, and his eyelids still hung low. He was barely present. He looked so adorable, I thought my heart would stop beating right in that moment, but it didn’t. Lelouch didn’t look back at me, instead, he turned his head away from me, and mumbled after a moment of silence:

“Let’s keep this to ourselves.” 

I nodded, but he still didn’t look at me, so I replied verbally.  “Yeah.” 

He got up from the bed, and picked up his clothes from the floor. I watched him the whole time, desperately indulging in the sight, because I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get the chance to see him like this again. The light pain in the head was nothing compared to the breaking that took place inside my soul. 

“Do you have any coffee?” he asked once he was fully dressed. 

I told him I had some instant, and he disappeared through the door. After a few minutes, I got up myself, and dressed in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. 

I was afraid Lelouch had already left, even though I hadn’t heard the door. But he was sitting at the kitchen table, chewing on a piece of bread. I grabbed a mug and filled it with coffee powder and already boiled water, before I sat down at the table across from him. Neither of us said anything, we sat there and took in the wonderful day that was unfolding in front of us. Birds were singing, the sun was shining, and this could have been the most beautiful day had it not followed such a terrible mistake. 

Lelouch’s phone started vibrating on the table, making both of us jump, returning from our occupied minds and back into reality. I saw Shirely’s face upside down, smiling up at him, and I felt truly guilty. After all, she was such a sweet girl, and had done nothing to deserve this. I was the one in the wrong here, harbouring these feelings. 

He answered after a couple of rings, and I admired the tone of voice he managed to put on. He sounded completely like his everyday, carefree self, not at all as if he had just committed the worst of sins. 

“I crashed at Suzaku’s place last night, it got pretty wild. I’m sorry I didn’t let you know.” 

When he hung up, he finally looked over at me with an apologetic smile. 

“Shirley wants me to try out some cakes and look for decorations. Apparently today is the only day we’re both off.” 

I leaned back in the chair, and looked directly into the sun without blinking. 

“Small details like these are so important to girls,” he complained. 

“I get it,” I said.  “It’s a pretty important day, after all. Don’t you think?” 

 


	3. Part three: addiction

It took a moment before I realised I was no longer alone in the room. I took my eyes off the computer screen, where I was avidly working just seconds earlier, and turned around to see a figure across the dark office. 

“Oh, it’s just you.” The words escaped from my mouth without my permission, but indifference had become such a common thing for me to practice around him. It was hard to imagine I used to have a hard time breathing in his presence. 

“What are you doing?” he asked. 

“Just working,” I replied, already staring back at the screen. 

“When was the last time you took a break?” 

I didn’t answer him. “Maybe you should take a vacation,” he suggested. 

I snorted. 

“I’m worried about you,” he said, and took a step closer. 

“You are?” I said with sarcasm. 

“Of course. Everyone is. Shirley keeps asking how you are, and Milly-“ 

“Shut up, Lelouch.” Just her name had made my eye twitch, and now I realised how long it had been since my last fix. Suddenly I was afraid he’d notice, and I placed my hand on top of the other, shaking one, in order to try and stop the movement. “Just leave me alone,” I said.

“You know I can’t do that. You’re my best friend.” I felt a grip on my shoulder, and jerked around to look up into his vivid eyes. They were pitying me, as if I was an animal prepared for slaughter. 

“What the fuck do you want?” I yelled, and hurried to my feet, jerking my shoulder out of his grasp. His touch had broken my indifference, and I felt increasingly nervous as the seconds passed by, breaking into a sweat. I needed him to leave, as soon as possible. 

“I just want you to be happy,” he said, and came closer. He grabbed my wrist, and bore his way into my mind with his gleaming eyes. “Suzaku-“ 

“I don’t need you, Lelouch! And if you think for a second I will change myself because you ask me to, then you are wrong. You lost that power a long time ago.” 

He tightened his grip around my wrist, and narrowed his eyes. It almost looked like he was in pain. “Don’t be like this, Suzaku. You know I only want the best for you.” 

I would have laughed, had I remembered how to. Instead, I grabbed his shirt from the back, sent him a bitter glare, before latching my lips onto his. He didn’t push me away. His muscles loosened up, and he accepted my imposition. He even invited me to go on, he responded to my kiss, parted his lips, and let me in. In my desperation, I clutched both of my arms around his waist, and squeezed him tightly. I felt his body against mine, the friction between us, his skin on mine, and I knew that it should have been me that was with him, and not her.

He never resisted, but I pulled away anyway. He kept his eyes on me, but now I could no longer read him. His thoughts were unattainable to me, as they had always been. 

“Go back to your wife,” I said, without meeting those eyes. 


	4. Part four: regrets

Lelouch was walking down a path, passing countless of graves on his way. He didn’t pay attention to any of them, he only had his mind on one in particular. It wasn’t often he visited the graveyard. But when he woke up this morning to such a cloudy day, he knew it had to be done. He hadn’t told Shirley where he was going. She would’ve insisted he’d bring flowers, but flowers weren’t his thing. They weren’t Suzaku’s thing either. 

He was wearing a light jacket, more appropriate for warmer days. As soon as he had stopped next to the grave, he started trembling. But he paid no heed to the shivering that ran through his body. If anything, he deserved to suffer, the way Suzaku had suffered due to Lelouch’s foolishness. 

Lelouch stood there, looking down at the simple grave that he himself had picked out. He hadn’t cried, not at the funeral. Not in his home either, nor in his car. He recalled the image of Suzaku’s lifeless body in front of him. His curly hair that had gotten too long, his skin too pale, his limbs too skinny. Dark circles had stained the skin under his eyes, and his arms were full of bruises from the needles he had punished himself with.

And Lelouch knew it was all his fault. He could have saved Suzaku, but chose leaving him to rot in his misery. 

As he stood there, hugging his arms around himself, feeling the absence of his friend, he felt a few drops of rain on his face. It was barely noticeable, but they were definitely there. It was quiet, not a single bird singing, no wind, no people. Not at all like that beautiful morning so many years ago, when he had awoken in the bed that was not his fiancée’s. Just Lelouch and the nothing. He smiled bittersweetly down at the grave. 

“I’m sorry, Suzaku,” he said to the nothing. He was glad it was raining today.  “Even after all this time, I still can’t say the words.”


End file.
